(Our wedding location)
My girlfriend is from England, where your average 16-year-old has usually already broken off their first couple of engagements. By the time you’re in your early to mid twenties you have a gigantic wedding ceremony that includes a hideous white dress that resembles a large cupcake, all the women you are even remotely friends with in matching bridesmaids dresses and drunk uncles fighting each other in the car park. I had never really thought too much about getting married, but we somehow decided we were going to do it. I find it extremely difficult to admit to wanting anything sincerely and earnestly, so while I secretly made wedding-themed Pinterest boards I told everyone we were having a Brexit-wedding. The referendum was months away, but I had correctly assumed it would go as wrong as it did, and if we were married my gal pal could apply for Dutch citizenship and stay in the country. So you know, why not ironically put on a white dress and say vows and stuff if we have to get married anyway? But I have to admit I also just kind of want to get married. For romantic reasons. Because I am in love. And because I’m gay and need to exercise my hard won right to get gay married.
So now we’re getting married in two months, and here are my tips for planning a relatively cheap and carefree wedding. The wedding hasn’t happened yet, so if it ends up being a complete disaster you can discard all of this.
– Become a person that actively doesn’t want a ‘real’ wedding dress. It took me quite a bit of commitment to even decide to wear a white dress, which is actually off-white and from the ASOS sale section. Just look in shops where you normally see cool clothes and buy a dress or a suit from there. I am even fat, and I still found many different options for €100 or less. And I wanted a white/cream/nude dress, if you don’t even care about that the options are even more endless. And don’t do weird traditional stuff where you’re not allowed to show your partner the dress, that’s weird.
-Do not do stuff like rent an oldtimer to drive to the wedding in, what is the point of that? It’s there for like 5 minutes and nobody cares. Just go there in a normal car, like your dad’s Citroën Berlingo full of dog hair.
-Do not get your hair and make-up done professionally, watch some youtube tutorials and get cracking. I’m thinking of treating myself to my first professional manicure for the occasion but that’s it.
-Alienate at least half of your family to a level serious enough that they don’t have to come to the wedding. This will cut the costs immensely AND lowers the changes of racist uncles starting fistfights. But seriously, only invite people you like. It’s my wedding and I won’t spend it with people I can’t stand.
-Do not change your name. It costs money and is patriarchal if you’re a man and a woman and downright confusing if you’re a same gender couple.
-Don’t really think about too much until it’s suddenly two months until your wedding and then realise you have no idea how to organise the remaining things. Instead, write a blog post giving other people advice on how to plan a wedding.